If it kills me.

I cannot pretend like I am okay.
I cannot pretend like I don't care.
I cannot pretend like it doesn't matter to me.
I cannot pretend that it's fine for me to know that you're not okay.

I cannot ignore the fact that you've changed.
I cannot simply swallow the fact that we're not the same.

I cannot be in the crowd and see that you're not there.
I cannot be alone and know that you're not around.
Even worse I cannot be with you and know you're not you anymore.

It's like you're so near yet so far away.
So reachable yet so out of touch.

I cannot be with them and drink their coffee
when I know they don't even know my favourite but you do

I cannot listen to the songs that we used to sing together
I cannot see the pictures of us dancing together

I cannot wear the shirt we bought each a pair
I cannot laugh to the jokes we used to share

I want to be able to cry on your shoulder again
I want to be able to share the secrets with you again

I want to be able to leave all the memories behind
But it hurts everytime I remember when I screwed up
you stayed

I cannot stand the pain.
It hurts and aches so much that it might kill me.

It might kill me.